Okay, I'm not going to lie.... you're probably reading this blog post expecting to see me in some sort of shamanic free spirited quantum moment.... I was expecting too my friend. But I'm literally watching The Real Housewives of New York City right now as I write up this blog post. And I have chip crumbs all over my chest as I'm plopped on the couch with my computer in my lap.
On Saturday I flew to Pheonix AZ to begin my three month journey of healing in Sedona.
My soul was calling me to experience a deep healing journey for my body and to recondition my mind and open up my connection to spirit (you can read all about my decision to take this trip in this post here)
I was ignoring the whispers of going away for a while, because a trip like this felt scary, but I finally listened.
So here I am, in Sedona.
.... watching housewives
...thinking about what I am going to order for dinner....
They say that in order for big things to happen, you need to surrender and let go of expectation. Well, the truth is, I expected to land in this magical heaven on earth and suddenly be a different human: more elevated, more expanded, and more healed from my trauma.
But I am binge eating on chips right now....a habit I often revert to when I am anxious, stressed, or overwhelmed.
My body is a really big part of why I am here. I made the decision to come to Sedona because I am ready for a big wakeup within my physical body. And I know that Lyme disease has taken such a toll on me, I wanted to do something that would allow me to really heal that aspect of my identity: I don't want to be sick anymore. I want to be well.
Sedona has a ton of healing modalities to offer me. The weather is warm, I can bike and walk everywhere (I didn't even get a car because I wanted to be physically active) there is a yoga studio on every corner and a reiki expert every 400 feet....
So of course, this is the place where I can do my deep healing work.
But right now, in this particular moment, I feel bloated, uncomfortable, and very attached to my old habits of numbing through food and mindless television.
What is this moment teaching me?
I have work to do.
Sometimes we sit in our frustrations of not being where we want to be. Sometimes we look at our bad habits and say: "Damnit this is so frustrating! How do I Fix this? I want to change this right now!"
But sometimes, the awareness is the healing itself. Sometimes sitting in the pain and the uncomfortable feeling of not being where you want to be or not behaving the way you want to behave is entirely the point.
I am integrating. I am sitting in the decision I made to be here... I am processing it.
And my ego is getting FEARFUL.
She's saying: "Eat all the chips. Watch all the reality tv! Numb numb numb! Don't do the work!"
And you know what? I think that's okay! I think sometimes it's good to sit with your ego and say, "hey girl hayyyyy."
I guess I am writing this blog post to let you know that I am a human having a human experience. And tomorrow when I wake up, I will do better than I did today. I will be better than I was today.
And I will GROW into the healing that I am about to experience. After all it's just day 1 of 90. I have plenty of time to get my shit together.
Another big breakthrough I had.. this morning I was sitting down with my journal writing about all the things I was going to DO on this trip. And then it hit me... I don't have to DO anything. This trip is about BEING. And receiving the BEING experiences.
I can enjoy and be in the process of all of this. I don't have to turn my healing into a checklist process or create some sort of calendar. I can simply BE HERE NOW.
So I am going to go BE in my zen chillllll housewife watching experience... and tomorrow is a new day.
-Lauren Eliz Love
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