EP252: How to Have Tough Conversations, Speak Your Truth, and Own Your Boundaries

lauren of love podcast Feb 01, 2022

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Are you ready for an open hearted dialogue around speaking your truth? 


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My relationship with speaking my truth has not always been good. When we talk about the blocks that we may face in the joinery of expressing ourselves to others, there are generally two things that can happen. We either don’t genuinely express ourselves truthfully, or we’re messy in the delivery of our expression. This is such a big problem because when you block the energetic frequency of your emotion from leaving the body, it gets stuck and can cause dis-ease. These conversations can be so tough, especially when your emotions are charging your words. When you bring anger, resentment, frustration, and hurt into a dialogue, you’re almost responsible for the explosion or chaos that can be caused from these conversations. It’s okay to feel these emotions, but it is so important that we do it the right way. This can also be affected by the baggage you bring to a conversation. The desire to speak and express is because the wound moving through you is being illuminated. When we are in these opportunities where we have to have a conversation around a reoccurring pattern, it is important to be aware of what you bring.


I was thinking the other day of influences in my early life that can contribute to these issues with speaking our truth and what came to mind was one of my favorite movies as a child, The Little Mermaid. I mean, in this movie she literally loses her voice. I wondered if being exposed so much to these movies influenced me to become a girl who was scared to speak up and use my voice. Did I automatically assume that my life would be the same as this movie and then manifest it into my life? It’s such a fascinating concept to me, but from such a young age, children (especially girls), are taught to be quiet and control their emotions. We have to understand that if we have been in this place where our needs for speaking are truth were shut off, then as adults, it is our job to heal that for ourselves. We will receive experiences that illuminate this problem and force us to rewrite it in a healthy way. 


In my childhood, I was taught that I shouldn’t share so vulnerably. I was too sensitive and too emotional. I was taught that expression led to unsafe situations, creating an association between speaking my truth and being unsafe. If I stood up for myself and mirrored the behavior I was receiving from my parents, they would get defensive and put the blame on me. This pattern of behavior shows up in our other relationships as well, romantic or platonic. Not every relationship is like this, but a lot of us can relate to being more hurt when we build the confidence to speak up. We bottle things down when we fear these conversations and when we do this, we shut off our relationship with trust in ourselves and our intuition. We try to convince ourselves that these conversations aren’t safe and we end up neglecting our bodies urge to communicate. This leads to a life of uncertainty and a disconnection between ourselves and our internal knowing. 


So let’s talk about where things start going wrong and what skills we can use to show up in these conversations protected and empowered.


When we go into a conversation, feeling the energy of the other person and they are angry, we need to know how to figure out what is ours to take on and what is not. Where the emotional charge is will usually show you where that ownership lands. If you are charged, it’s yours. If the other person is charged, it’s there’s. I remember a situation in my business where I was insecure in my business and feeling a lot of fear. I had a woman reach out to me, criticizing everything about what I was doing and I was so upset and frustrated. She was projecting so much on to me, but my reaction to this was so strong because she was mirroring to me all of my deepest fears. I learned so much in this experience about having these conversations.


If you are going to have a difficult conversation, time and space is EVERYTHING. Are you emotionally protected or emotionally charged? If you are in a space where your energetic boundaries aren’t protected, you are going to be charged to the MAX. So ask yourself, am I prepared to have this dialogue in my life? Maybe you need some time, space, journaling, etc. before you are safe to speak your truth. Sometimes, these conversations are here to show you something, offer you a gift to understand what it is that you are not happy with in your life. 


We also need to identify the patterns playing out in congreayions that are charged by us. What are we bringing to the table that is genuinely related to the conversation we are starting and what is a reflection of the insecurities running within us? This is especially important in romantic relationships and oh my gosh has this played out for me. I remember a moment where I was struggling so much, neglecting what was important to me and I reached out to my husband for support. I wanted to know what he saw and he said, “How many times have I told you to take care of yourself.” And this is something I have heard SO much in my life. The second I heard this, I was raging because it made me feel like I was being told I didn’t listen. It felt like a big F you. This brought up so much. I started this fight that had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with my past relationships and I just projected it all onto him. The wounding of our past gets brought into the dynamic of a conversation and it presents an opportunity to look at the wounds and aspects of self that we have to change to show up protected in difficult situations.


I also want to look at this from the perspective of leadership. We are all leaders in life and there are times where in these positions, we have to have tough conversations with others. In these moments, we have to be able to detach and understand that EVERYONE is on their own journey and their reaction to the way we have these conversations is not ours to hold. I’ve realized in my own experiences with these conversations that I want to help because I see an old version of myself in them, and there’s a part of me that wants to be validated and proven right in the ways that I heal. We have a responsibility to love and support those around us, but there is no obligation to help someone change. 


Sometimes, there are things you can offer to someone something that may be difficult for them to hear. If you feel as if they are open and receptive to listening and you can shelf the fear of triggering someone, you are putting their healing in a good, right relationship space. I’ve found that in my communication, asking permission to mirror to someone and share with them what is coming up for you, is so helpful to better conversation. Holding space for safety in dialogue can change everything, especially if you have the chance to prepare yourself and create safety for yourself before the opportunity comes to speak your truth. As long as you are grounded, kind, communicate clearly, and prevent yourself from any wounded or aggressive speech, you are able to see where the person you are talking to is in their journey. You can feel annoyance, disappointment or rejection and not take on those reactions because you have set your energetic boundaries and came prepared and safe to the conversation. 


When you connect to yourself, speaking your truth becomes a lot easier.